Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
I'm also 3/4 on the frats. Its like my goal of traveling to all 7 continents, but different somehow and a lot less morally sound.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
I may or may not be setting up an encounter with a foot fetishist just because I'm curious.
Randomize
