woke up this morning wit a massive hangover. walked to my truck and found at least 35 for sale signs, a stop sign, and a julie kim sign...need answers
yea, you decided to become a real estate agent last night on the way home from the party. You started bitchin about how Julie Kim was stealing all your buisness....
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Randomize