Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
We are two peas in an std pod
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
Randomize
