I found out he doesn't have a facebook, twitter, or myspace. So, I'm going to actually go to his house to spy on him.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
My dad is sitting where you rode me
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