she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
Randomize
