Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Randomize
