I murdered the dance floor call the cops
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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