There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
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