it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
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