Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
Randomize