I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
