Small Doughy Asian men and sleeveless hoodies with nothing underneath do not mix well.
Sounds like the climatic scene of my favorite erotic novel.
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
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