i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
I fill condoms, not promises.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
