I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
I just gift wrapped bread.
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
i've been fucking this guy since february and just found out he might be uncircumsized. currently google image searching to confirm.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
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