I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
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