I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
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