Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
I intend to get homeless drunk
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
Randomize
