I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
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