guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
she used teeth so i didnt tell her when i was cumming ...........dont get mad get even
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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