I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Randomize
