3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
I just sucked dick on a ferry
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
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