You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
I'm also 3/4 on the frats. Its like my goal of traveling to all 7 continents, but different somehow and a lot less morally sound.
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
Randomize
