Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
We banged in his car behind the burrito place. Google Maps keeps asking me to rate my visit. 5/5, would cum again.
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
Randomize
