I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
Different chick, same blowjob, same parking lot.
we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
Randomize
