sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
This beer is not sobering me up at all
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
Randomize