Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
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