Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize
