had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
Just took my morning after pill in the library
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
Randomize
