It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Randomize
