I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
Laurln. I am dying. I am npt alive. Adderrall is not a real thing. Death is a rwal thing which I understandably
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
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