My family just had an in depth argument about the meaning of chodes
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Randomize
