just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
So I'm sober and underage, being hit on by a groom-to-be with braces...is it a bad thing that I'm enjoying it?
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
