oh no, I think we did it in the 'front asshole'
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Randomize
