I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Randomize
