just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
Randomize
