i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
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