She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
Randomize
