I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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