remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
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