Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
Randomize
