I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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