apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
