You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Randomize
