Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
You made out with two different species that night
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
