Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
Randomize
