You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
Miscalculate d the jungle juice, it's actually 10%. Can't taste the diff anyway but my stomcha is warm. Come play pongm.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
