I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
Randomize
