You gave him head? He fingered you? A little bit of make out?
WHAT THE FUCK ITS LIKE YOU WERE THERE
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
I feel like I shouldn't be encouraging my friends to hook up with their teachers.....but if it's for academic reasons....then I definitely encourage it.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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