I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
there's a girl in the library on mysapce. she must have missed the memo.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
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