I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize
