I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
I just remember her telling me "Hi, my names Kaissa and I'm a lesbian" over and over and over and over again as I was crying.
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Randomize
