I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
