Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
I guess she didn't feel like it. There was hair all over it and everything
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
I'm passing your future prison.
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Randomize
