You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Randomize
