Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
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