Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
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