No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
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