just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Randomize