I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
Randomize
