all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
You left your phone here
Wait...
Randomize
